Today was the first day of my four day weekend.
I'm a cosplayer, which if you don't know what cosplay is, simply put and broken down it means costume play. Cosplay is taken to another level these days, set aside your normal ideas of fancy dress shops with cheaply made outfits and wigs that make you itch and sweat; cosplay is consisered an art and there are some that now make money from it, which if you can achieve I consider to be quite formidable, but like the modelling industry it will only serve you as long as your slim figure and porcelain skin survive.
Cosplay for me is a totally different world, in the past I have used it as escape from the mundanity of normal life but now after several years of being in the community I now realise it means something completely different for me, it means friendship. The friendships I have formed in the cosplay community have far outweighed the 'fame' so to speak. The cosplay world is full of likeminded souls all passionate and excited about sharing their love of anime, manga, gaming etc and it is a beautiful thing to see.
This weekend I head to the Yorkshire Cosplay Con, which I am honoured to say that I have been asked to guest, this is something completely extraordinary in itself, I'm a pretty low-key and humble when it comes to cosplay, there had been a time when I wanted to climb the ladder and make something of myself but I learned in the space of a year that's not really what it's all about. Yorkshire cosplay con will hold some incredibly big named guests including the voice actor of Sebastian Michaelis from Kuroshitsuji (a cosplay I am doing this weekend), not only do I get to see this idol of mine but I get to assist him being pied in the face for charity! What an honour ;)
So as I sit in my husbands band practice room and wondering what the weekend will hold for me I thank those who made it possible for me to guest at such an event, I'm not sure what else to say but be prepared for many pictures and a run down of everything that happened!
Stay positive guys and always make sure you do what you love ❤️
Thursday 1 June 2017
Wednesday 31 May 2017
Resurrection - The BPD demon
It's been a long time since my last post, a very long time.
Life isn't always easy, we all know that. Every moment of your life can't be sunshine and rainbows as much as we want it to be. Sometimes life reaches a point where it tests us to our absolute limit, pushing the boundaries as far as it can to see how much we will bend before we snap.
On the 17th April this year, my husband Daniel was pushed to his snapping point and by some miracle he made it out alive and is still with me. The 17th April marked the day I found my husband Daniel ODd in our bed and was rushed to hospital.
For the next 40 days Daniel and I were pulled apart into two different worlds as he began his road to recovery in two different establishments before his release only a matter of days ago. Though the time has apart was testing, I myself had to battle against my own pre conceived thoughts about the man I married, I managed to throw years of heated arguments and nights crying wondering when he would come home under the carpet because we finally had an answer for our problems.
Daniel had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder
This disorder has quite a stigma attached to it in the mental health world, the 'Jekyll and Hyde' or ''Black and White' disorder, it's almost verges on schizophrenia but not quite. The BPD victim will suffer from things such as suicidal thoughts, self harming behaviour, they will struggle to control their anger and feel empty and lonely a lot of the time; there is much more to it but I'm not writing this blog to outline the illness, I'm here to make peace with the past.
As I read more and more about devil on my husbands shoulder I realised there had been nothing wrong with our relationship, all the times I felt like I had been abused in some form or another had been because I felt that he had been out to intentionally hurt me when in fact our arguments had been a catalyst and made his illness reactive. I, as a Scorpio (though that doesn't have much to do with things) and as a woman who has been hurt in the past was reactive when Daniel entered crisis mode and it had been damaging for us both. Though I know we cannot use his illness to discard all of our problems (that would be rediculous) it has played a major role in the past and some things are just too coincidental not to link to it it.
Daniel felt abandoned (a major part of his illness) by me for a long time, whether it had been me isolating myself away in another room and ignoring him when he came looking for attention, or not offering to make some food or a brew, even denying him sex because of all the hurt and resentment that had been building in me. When I read more about the disorder I had been reacting to him in the worst possible way. In hindsight if I had known we might even have children by now but we didn't know, that was the problem, he'd never been seen to in his younger years and instead everyone he confided in and every relationship he had broke down because of his rollercoaster nature.
I have never not loved my husband, ever. I have never regretted marrying him. When we got engaged and I gave him my fathers ring and the day I gave him my fathers wedding ring and saw him standing there waiting for me looking so anxious but pleased I'd finally shown up (albeit 20 minutes late - another faux pa for the BPD victim) I knew I had made the right choice. I adore this man with all my soul and to know there is nothing wrong with us as a couple now is a breath of relief but now we must work together to build back up our life and trust.
I really believe that Daniel had taken something from all of this, he's better in himself already, having changed his circle of friends, changed to a vegan diet, washes and makes himself look handsome every day, actively makes food and does DIY on the house. He's inspiring to me but then he always was and I have heartbreakingly missed him for so long. I'm proud every new day that he gets up and seeks help if he needs it, attends group therapy, even just shares something silly on my Facebook wall because I know he is trying and that's all I can ask right now.
Daniel has and always will be my reason for getting up each day, even though they say you have to make yourself happy and live for yourself I'm just not like that, I'm a hopeless romantic and though this love story might once have been a tradgedy it can now be far from it. There is still a long way to go and though he's only been home four days I can already see life changing for the better and our marriage growing into something stronger than it was before.
For anyone out there suffering this evil illness, please talk to someone, anyone! There is always someone there who will listen or who loves you enough to help you, do not feel alone, please, it could have been too late Daniel but he was given another chance to try again. To those loving someone with BPD, be patient, be loving, be supportive and don't ever think for one moment if they go into crisis mode that they are taking it out in you and you are the problem, they need as much understanding and love you can give. Believe me if you can love them with this illness you are doing something profoundly hard but amazing, you are doing something others have failed, when everyone left you stayed and that is an act of ultimate love.
I will keep this blog going, I will try and offer insight and support to those who need it most, whether you are suffering this illness or are going through it with someone, I will try and keep hope and enlightenment but I cannot promise every day to be happy, life isn't made to be that way, but you can count on my honesty as we travel this uncertain road.
Stay strong, stay open, stay trusting and most of all just love and support each other, I will never put myself into a position to loose my reason for living ever again.
❤️
Life isn't always easy, we all know that. Every moment of your life can't be sunshine and rainbows as much as we want it to be. Sometimes life reaches a point where it tests us to our absolute limit, pushing the boundaries as far as it can to see how much we will bend before we snap.
On the 17th April this year, my husband Daniel was pushed to his snapping point and by some miracle he made it out alive and is still with me. The 17th April marked the day I found my husband Daniel ODd in our bed and was rushed to hospital.
For the next 40 days Daniel and I were pulled apart into two different worlds as he began his road to recovery in two different establishments before his release only a matter of days ago. Though the time has apart was testing, I myself had to battle against my own pre conceived thoughts about the man I married, I managed to throw years of heated arguments and nights crying wondering when he would come home under the carpet because we finally had an answer for our problems.
Daniel had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder
This disorder has quite a stigma attached to it in the mental health world, the 'Jekyll and Hyde' or ''Black and White' disorder, it's almost verges on schizophrenia but not quite. The BPD victim will suffer from things such as suicidal thoughts, self harming behaviour, they will struggle to control their anger and feel empty and lonely a lot of the time; there is much more to it but I'm not writing this blog to outline the illness, I'm here to make peace with the past.
As I read more and more about devil on my husbands shoulder I realised there had been nothing wrong with our relationship, all the times I felt like I had been abused in some form or another had been because I felt that he had been out to intentionally hurt me when in fact our arguments had been a catalyst and made his illness reactive. I, as a Scorpio (though that doesn't have much to do with things) and as a woman who has been hurt in the past was reactive when Daniel entered crisis mode and it had been damaging for us both. Though I know we cannot use his illness to discard all of our problems (that would be rediculous) it has played a major role in the past and some things are just too coincidental not to link to it it.
Daniel felt abandoned (a major part of his illness) by me for a long time, whether it had been me isolating myself away in another room and ignoring him when he came looking for attention, or not offering to make some food or a brew, even denying him sex because of all the hurt and resentment that had been building in me. When I read more about the disorder I had been reacting to him in the worst possible way. In hindsight if I had known we might even have children by now but we didn't know, that was the problem, he'd never been seen to in his younger years and instead everyone he confided in and every relationship he had broke down because of his rollercoaster nature.
I have never not loved my husband, ever. I have never regretted marrying him. When we got engaged and I gave him my fathers ring and the day I gave him my fathers wedding ring and saw him standing there waiting for me looking so anxious but pleased I'd finally shown up (albeit 20 minutes late - another faux pa for the BPD victim) I knew I had made the right choice. I adore this man with all my soul and to know there is nothing wrong with us as a couple now is a breath of relief but now we must work together to build back up our life and trust.
I really believe that Daniel had taken something from all of this, he's better in himself already, having changed his circle of friends, changed to a vegan diet, washes and makes himself look handsome every day, actively makes food and does DIY on the house. He's inspiring to me but then he always was and I have heartbreakingly missed him for so long. I'm proud every new day that he gets up and seeks help if he needs it, attends group therapy, even just shares something silly on my Facebook wall because I know he is trying and that's all I can ask right now.
Daniel has and always will be my reason for getting up each day, even though they say you have to make yourself happy and live for yourself I'm just not like that, I'm a hopeless romantic and though this love story might once have been a tradgedy it can now be far from it. There is still a long way to go and though he's only been home four days I can already see life changing for the better and our marriage growing into something stronger than it was before.
For anyone out there suffering this evil illness, please talk to someone, anyone! There is always someone there who will listen or who loves you enough to help you, do not feel alone, please, it could have been too late Daniel but he was given another chance to try again. To those loving someone with BPD, be patient, be loving, be supportive and don't ever think for one moment if they go into crisis mode that they are taking it out in you and you are the problem, they need as much understanding and love you can give. Believe me if you can love them with this illness you are doing something profoundly hard but amazing, you are doing something others have failed, when everyone left you stayed and that is an act of ultimate love.
I will keep this blog going, I will try and offer insight and support to those who need it most, whether you are suffering this illness or are going through it with someone, I will try and keep hope and enlightenment but I cannot promise every day to be happy, life isn't made to be that way, but you can count on my honesty as we travel this uncertain road.
Stay strong, stay open, stay trusting and most of all just love and support each other, I will never put myself into a position to loose my reason for living ever again.
❤️
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