Childhood

I've always been quite a free spirit, the idea of being tied to one place or one thing doesn't really thrill me, still I get stuck in the rat race as much as the next person, there are a few things I like to be regular, my money (sigh) and of course my relationship with the most wonderful (and annoying) man, Daniel.

Over the past year or so I've been toying with the idea of moving to London for two reasons, one because there is a lot of opportunity and variety that would suit a personality like mine and two, because my best friend Bob lives down there. Bob or Daniel by his christened name is my absolute best friend in the entire world; I don’t think there’s anyone that quite knows me so well apart from obviously my lovely fiance.

I met Bob when I was very young growing up on Keswick road, it’s a time I remember fondly, a time when the days were warmer and sunnier, they were longer and so much fun. I was about ten years old and I was nearing the end of my Primary School time at Revoe (incidentally I live just round the corner from there now). Before I met Bob I met his brother Matthew, he had recently come to live in Blackpool with his family and was in the year below me.

My earliest memories of them were that I met Matthew one day in the playground out the front of Revoe School and Matthew seems to remember it more than I as apparently I taught him to swear! Matthew swears (forgive the pun) to this day that he remembers me saying ‘Everyone here swears,’ I then looked around to make sure no one could here then I said, ‘Fuck.’ As much as I search my memory for this I can’t recall it but I will certainly not call Matthew a liar as I was slightly mischievous in some respects when I was quite young. Aren’t we all?

It didn't take me long to find out that Matthew had moved in on the street next to mine, Westmorland and that our streets and backs of houses shared the same alleyway. I had returned from some sort of party that afternoon and had gone out in the alley to play wearing the attire from the party. Matthew had been playing out on a bike with one of his friends, Michael who lived a couple of doors down from him and I was taking pictures on a camera my mum and dad had given me which had a small amount of film left in it with which I used the last shots to take pictures of Matthew and Michael. That day I also met Bob for the first time.

I will spare you the details but when I saw Bob I experienced my first ever crush, it was like a whole new world had opened up for me (sorry Bob if you’re reading – which I know you will be – it’s very cringy). From the first day that I saw Bob leaning on that wall to see what his brother was up to, I feel like my childhood had properly started, we spent endless summers together and it was my entire world. The Sandford’s had come to town and I am thankful every day that they did.

Me, Bob, Matthew and of course not forgetting the lovely Christy, they were my adopted family. I am an only child, making my own fun and friends was never a problem for me but I do wonder what life growing up would have been like if it hadn’t been for those three being in it?

 I don’t think I would have experienced so many different worlds and adventures for sure, a few things wouldn’t have happened: I wouldn’t have been part of a world famous group called ‘Spice’ with several number one hits and albums released all around the world; I wouldn’t have gone to Jurassic Park and escaped the loose dinosaurs; Catman and The Riddler would have gotten away with everything; nobody would be alive or have saved the dog in the bathtub after the great Los Angeles earthquake and certainly the world would be in peril every day without its band of saviours The Power Rangers, Purple, Turquoise, Orange and Green.

Even when we grew up and Christy found her friends in high school as did Matthew, Bob had stopped playing out and I had seen my first boyfriend, Bob and I still remained so entirely young and stuck in those endless summer days. We’ve never changed, we still dream of those places, write our stories, draw our pictures and share our hopes and dreams for the future that seems so far away.

That back alley, as dirty, dark and lifeless as it seems now, all gated off, was our neverland and we were the children that never grew up. The girl in the monkey hat and flares and the boy with the curtains haircut and lumberjack shirts will live forever echoing through that place, their laughter still heard if you will only spend a while and listen.

Blackpool - Family or Inebriation

Blackpool has changed a lot over the years, let's face it, the place hasn't done itself any favours centering around drinking based establishments instead of good quality tourist attractions. Instead of evolving from the fun and family orientated place that it used to be, it has instead regressed into a dumping ground for stag and hen nights and pretty much become to Magalluf of England.

I was born in 1983 and back then, Blackpool was still in its golden glory days, or at least that's what it seemed to be. We still had a thriving town centre with department stores such as Lewis', a great shopping centre (the Hounds Hill - which is still there but without the variety and class of shops which it previously had), lots of attractions orientated towards families and to be honest, there was a much nicer atmosphere that surrounded Blackpool compared to now.

I  might be being negative but has anyone else, who's lived here as long or longer than me, noticed that all we have left now are empty shops or pound stores, thrift shops and cash traders, even most of the rock and souvenir shops have disappeared and been replaced with new bars and clubs. At which point did Blackpool loose is morality and self-respect? When did Blackpool forsake family for debauchery.

Drinking has always been here in Blackpool, as a seaside resort it has attracted holiday makers to its once golden and clean sands for many years. These days, the drinking has moved from the privacy of the bars onto the streets. Gone are the days you could walk down the promenade with your family during the evening for a leisurely walk without hassle, nowadays you can hardly walk two steps in the summer evenings without running into a group of half dressed and scantly clad hen parties with their eyes rolling into the back of their heads from intoxication as they stagger across the pavement wearing shoes somewhat akin to hooves. The stag parties aren't any better, these are certainly no gentlemen with their foul mouths, leering eyes and lack of control to keep themselves from getting into a fight at the drop of a hat.

I would not recommend anyone to venture out into the town centre at night unless they had to; the end nearest to the sea front, near the Cenotaph is the worst. Queen street is home to bars such as Walkabout, Roxys, Tapas Bar, The Litten Tree and FY1 to name but a few. Not far from here you have Rumours (now closed for business), Flares and Sanuk. Regularly you will see fights, arguments and domestics happening, accompanied by the usual paraletic souls left to fend for themselves while their 'friends' leave then behind and carry on having a good time. Lovely. This end of town is for the 'clubbers', well, I say clubbers but usually these people just come out to drink themselves into oblivion and sleep with the next person to catch their beer goggled eyes on the dance floor. Also watch out for the 'beggars' sat by the cash machines asking for a spare couple of quid, they all live together shooting up regularly with the money they make from their scam business in the town centre playing on the soft of heart or more likely, inebriated of brain. (click link below to view article)

Queen Street Epicentre of Violent Crime

Going out has become a race to the first shag or most paraletic these days, there's simply no socialising in it. Instead of going out to a pub or bar where you can actually hear the other person speak and properly converse, society is happy to wake up with tinnitus next to someone they met for half an hour last night wondering what happened and later discovering they're pregnant or have a venerial disease or even waking up in a hospital bed after they've had their stomach pumped.

I am no saint at all, I admit, I've fallen prey to the this type of 'socialising' too over the years, I've been out without having any tea, drank as much as possible and ended up in some right states, I'm definitely not proud of this at all. The thing is I've learnt my lesson and I won't go out doing it over and over again until I give myself liver disease whereas most of these people will, and why are they doing this...because Blackpool has removed every other form of entertainment for these people and left only the bars.

There's still attractions that have always been and always will be here, such as Blackpool Tower (please note Jungle Jim's has been reduced in size heavily and there is now no aquarium), the Waxworks (albeit a quarter of the size it was previously and without the chamber of horror or 'royal room' anymore), the Pleasure Beach (no longer free to walk around, now you must pay a base entry fee even before access to rides), The Sandcastle Waterpark (actually has improved with better slides etc. since I was little) and a few others such as: Superbowl, Laserquest, the arcades and the piers. The problem is that these attractions are very overpriced for the content that they now offer so most people give them a miss, and certainly the locals wouldn't choose to spend a day at one of these because they see them everyday.

It's a shame, I love Blackpool but sadly things are only due to get worse instead of better, as long as we continue to concentrate more on making a quick buck than spending the time and investing the money to get Blackpool out of the gutter then we will certainly see more empty shops fronts and visitors throwing up their guts from the watered down cheap booze from the tower lounge.

Blackpool, get your act together, we love you, don't let us locals down.

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L'Histoire D'Shelle

Supporting

On a side note, my wristband turned up today. You can get yours too from here: Wrist Band @ Blacky The Wheelchair Cat

Ill

A rainy Saturday morning in Blackpool and here I am suffering with what can only be described as, the flu from Hell. I've been wandering around like the walking dead since I woke up yesterday morning unable to breathe, swallow, speak or concentrate, fan-dabby-dosey!

I haven't been generally ill like this in quite a while actually, there was a time when I pretty much used to get a cold every week but since then I think I've had most of the various strains of the 'common cold' to sink the Titanic twice over again. However, when I do manage to get ill from flu or cold it always seems to be at its absolute and utter extremity and I sometimes find myself wondering, in the stupidest way, is this the one that's going to take me out? Men, you'll be able to relate, you guys and you're dreaded man flu...

No one likes to get ill, you'd have to be completely mad to enjoy this. I think Daniel seems to think I play it up to the max when I get ill so that'll I'll get love and affection but that would be a losing battle, Daniel has the sympathy Gordon Ramsey, none whatsoever. I try and get on with daily routine as much as possible but when your eyes are streaming and you can't stop sniveling and sneezing there's only so much you can do, I would recommend abstaining from any sort of DIY unless you want your house painted resembling something akin to Picasso.

I most likely caught this particular nuisance from being out in town the other night at the NWCC, probably one of the crowd or maybe even the comedians...no, I know exactly who gave it to me, as he was suffering weeks before me, the bloody DJ my fiancee, damn you Daniel.

Daniel gets ill occasionally but he seems to have a better constitution than me in some respects, he suffers badly with his chest and asthma so that's always a problem when it hits him but it doesn't take him long to shift the whole thing, mostly he will sleep it all off whereas my body seems to absorb the whole thing like a sponge.

Anyway, I hate being ill so I'm going to finish this up for now and hunt down a fresh roll of tissue for Niagara falls, my nose :|

I'll post something worth a read when I can think more clearly, til then you'll probably just be reading snivel...I mean, drivel.

'A Day Without Laughter is a Day Wasted.'

It's seven o'clock in Reflections bar on a clear and crisp January evening. There's a mixed air of excitement and high anxiety as the organiser, Alana-Jade, waits in anticipation for the opening night of her brainchild, the North West Comedy Collective, to get underway. The acts are arriving and people are already bravely lining the front seats of the venue wondering what exactly they are in store for this evening.

Long has Blackpool been famous for attracting the best and most well loved comedians over the years. Faces such as Tommy Cooper, Morecambe and Wise, Ken Dodd and Peter Kay are to name but a few of over 1000 artists that have graced the stages and venues dotted around the town centre. So famed for this scene, there is even a tribute laid out for all to see at the headlands at the foot of Blackpool Tower, the Comedy Carpet.

Over the years there has been a gradual decline in the events and attractions that tourists visit Blackpool to come and see. Gone are the golden days of the deck chair lined promenade with its holiday makers donning their knotted handkerchiefs and partaking in a iconic ninety-nine ice cream or even a leisurely donkey ride. Blackpool has now very much become a town aimed at providing drinking establishments to the younger generation rather than attractions to the families which once littered the Golden Mile and a good laugh seems few and far between these days.

Taking a stand in rejeuvenating the town centre and breaking the mold from the usual quiz and band nights were are used to, Alana-Jade and Reflections bar have teamed up perfectly in the battle for laughter and last night witnessed the grand opening of something fresh and new, something that Blackpool has so desperately needed for so long, something that could get Blackpool back on the map in the right way.

On arrival it was hard to tell just how the night was going to go ahead, there were already people in the venue armed with drinks and Alana could be seen hosting and preparing all over the venue in an excited flurry. By the time eight o'clock had arrived, the venue was full to capacity and there were still people hoping to get in. Behind the bar the drinks were flowing and the crowds were now waiting for their first acts with high hopes of leaving a few hours later with aching sides from a highly entertaining evening.

It's safe to say that for an incredibly reasonable £2 entry that night, the North West Comedy Collective certainly delivered the high expectations which had surrounded it since its review in The Gazette. Of course there will always be people that will leave to slip back into the regularity and familiarity of their usual routine of socialising, not many people have the patience and ability to sit and watch a variety of different artists with varying degrees of humour. However those who remained for the entirety of the whole evening were very much rewarded for doing so.

The acts that evening included artists from as close as our own home town Blackpool, Rob 'Del Terror' and Matthew Davenport, and as far as Australia with the headlining act Angus Little, son of famous Mark Little.

Also to grace the very cosy and atmospheric little venue were, Jack Shanik whose style has been described as 'measured daftness and sophisticated fifth', former anarchist and award winning  comedy veteran Roland Gent, Meir Clarence Frank with his 'distinct world view and honest philosophy' and not forgetting Neil Shawcross, Barry Meaden, Dan Barnes, and of course Paul Warburton all with their own very unique and side busting styles.

Alana hosted easily between acts, keeping the crowd psyched and ready to receive their artists and by the time headliner Angus Little was ready to take Blackpool by storm the crowds were eagerly waiting for the pinnacle of the evening to make their night go out with a bang.

Angus delivered everything and more than was promised, the crowd truly felt included and part of the show with his audience interaction and quick responses to the heckles he received as if it were absolute second nature. There were tears of laughter streaming from red raw faces as he owned the venue with his incredibly natural talent to procure a laugh from even the most hard faced characters.

It was an absolute joy to witness the start of something that Blackpool has been desperately needing for a long time now and the North West Comedy Collective are not going to be stopping there. Every Thursday at 8pm, Reflections will now host new and upcoming artists making their appearances on the scene. You can guarantee an evening of quality and excellence from its organiser, Alana, and reasonably priced drinks to boot!

Congratulations to Alana for this brilliant endeavour, a special thanks also goes Alison and Roy for being the delightful hosts of this venue, DJ Daniel 'Horrors' Horrobin for the sound and PA and of course, to the artists without whom there would not have been such a successful night.

We hope to see more from the North West Comedy Collective in the future and if you haven't already been get yourselves down to next week's performance, you will not be disappointed.

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Reflections, 131 Church Street, Blackpool, Cafe by day, Bar by night. English food served 12pm-6pm, Caribbean food served 12pm-10pm.

Troglodytes

To be quite honest, there's really no excuse in the world for not bathing. It bewilders me every time some odorous soul comes into the store and buys a bag full of chocolate, would it not be better to save that odd pound or two for a bar of soap and some washing powder for your clothes? Bizarre.

I admit that I will have the odd day when I cant be bothered but doesn't everyone? One of those 'I need a shower but I'll do it when I get back home from work.' But even so I will get in to work and spend the rest of the day being paranoid and wishing that I'd made the effort in this first place, one because its embarrassing and two because no one likes a 'smelly' person that looks like they've just fallen out of bed.

The people that I am referring to in the first place are what I like to call 'troglodytes', I'm sorry to sound harsh but you'll probably agree with me when I explain the type, you might even recognise some of the same characteristics from the people in your own home town because believe me, they are absolutely everywhere.

They usually dress in the same manner; the woman go as follows: their hair is usually long and greasy maybe even greying and always scraped back in a high ponytail, sometimes donning a hat. Their mouth is full of half rotten teeth and their skin pock marked with spots and no make up. The attire consists of jeans which must have been tight for the past few decades or sometimes a pleated skirt with no tights but socks and  dilapidated trainers. Usually found pulling along a shopper bag or some sort of animal themed bag to match their animal, dog or cat, themed fleece. The men usually like to sport a nice beanie hat not correctly pulled down onto their head so that it resembles an unrolled condom; they don't usually shave or if they do they instead you can find wisps of light hair under their chins. They like to sport t shirts usually given away with different things, like on cereal boxes or if you buy so many beers, the type of t shirts that people give to charity shops and no one ever buy so some poor child in India ends up advertising Guinness.

And let's not forget that these people, always always, smell.

It's hard to place what it actually resembles, but I would say that the closest I can get is a cheese from about 1986. It's basically just sweat on top of sweat on top of sweat. The clothes are never washed so even if they do have a bath they would just come out and get in to the same dirty clothes. It's a vicious cycle of filth.

I sometimes wonder what these people's homes are like. Are their bathrooms covered in cobwebs and cleaning products since before the millennium? Do they have overflowing washing baskets of crusty socks and underwear? Have their washing machines ever been used or do they even have one at all? You must believe me when I say that I do realise some people aren't well off enough to have the means to do their own home washing and need to visit the launderette's, but even so isn't this easier, having someone else sort it out while you disappear off round town?

I can think of nothing more lovely and satisfying that having a nice long soak in the bath, using all my lovely smelling products and then getting into some nice freshly laundered clean clothes. You feel like a million dollars! Why wouldn't anyone want to feel like that? At what point did these people stop looking in the mirror or realising that they absolutely reek! Do they get up in the morning, throw on the same old things and decide on a day of sloth and waste walking around town stinking out shops and spending money they probably don't even have.

I've been working retail for fifteen years and these people are still rife, its a terrible thing but when I was working at Musiczone I didn't used to stand for it, I would walk around with a can of spray following said people and commenting 'get a bath,' or 'what a stink', I feel bad about it now, who knows what situation they were in back then but doesn't someone need to say it? Maybe those people went home that night and thought 'actually, she's right.'
Unless you have some sort of medical disorder there is no excuse for smelling, not a single one. You can be as poor as anything but I'm sure someone would be gracious enough to give you a bar of soap or give you a hand washing your things.

I guess now you know, I'm not a fan of foul odors.

Changes

I've always had very strange dreams as long as I can remember, I used to write them down and decode them as best as I could but then I lost track of the whole thing and forgot about it, as is the way of me.

Last night I had a particularly odd one; I was back at Keswick road and a black and white cat got into our house, I'm presuming that this was my first cat Twinkle as it was very fluffy as it slunk off. My mother was telling me that Daniel had come by early to start cleaning and she was impressed, I found him out in the back garden doing something and asked him a question to which he pretty much told me to go away (in kinder words). Not much really happened after that, though the dream was very drawn out and mostly i remember my house and my old room with the sun trying to shine through the thick red velvet curtains.
I have absolutely no explanation for this at all, I often dream about Keswick road, I suppose its been ingrained on my memory as a place of happiness. On the other hand sometimes I dream about my Grandmother's house, my father's mother 'Edna', those ones aren't usually that nice because of certain things, but they're best left to another time.

I suppose I dream the most when I'm stressed or ill and right now that's no exception, I woke up with a runny nose and a sore throat caught from Daniel. It was probably my body saying 'hey you're not feeling great so I'm going to manifest in your unconscious while you dream and really confuse you!'. Well illness and brain, it worked.

Its raining in Blackpool today, there's not many people about as usual and more shops in the town centre are closing down, there's a few up our street that have gone or are going out of business, so Victoria street really is a prime location at the moment, not. This whole place is getting so dead end and there's so many horrible things happening close to the area that I live that I'm starting to become afraid to go out.

Every week you will hear of some new horror in the Gazette, whether its an elderly man being beaten and mugged, a young man being murdered, a mentally disabled woman being kidnapped and tortured or something else, its like something out of crime movie or novel, I feel like I'm living in the hood! What has happened to you Blackpool?

When I was growing up things were so much better, I know that everyone says that but they were; sure you still had the homeless and the alcoholics knocking about around Central drive and Ibbison court but they were just drunks and homeless, they didn't cause any problems. Blackpool was still rowdy around the bars and pubs but I suppose back then people reconciled their differences whereas now they're quite happy to punch someone's teeth out, for example a man did it to a girl I know quite recently...a man punched a woman's teeth out...

There were no gates sectioning off our alleyways, people were on good speaking terms with their neighbours, you could leave your door unlocked and let your kids play on the street without fear, kids were happy being outside and playing with their friends instead of hiding inside their rooms being 'sociable' on the internet (yes I know that's a little hypocritical from me). The streets were cleaner, people looked after their homes, everyone pretty much had a job and neighbourhood's were safe. I miss the late eighties right up to the year 2000, I think that's when things started to change.

I think it all comes down to the same thing again which I've mentioned before, money, but you've had my opinion on that. I don't think people care anymore, we've become a numb society and unfeeling towards our fellow man, we only look out for number one now because that's how we've been brainwashed to think by everything around us. Who's piece of technology is better than the others? Who's got a better house, car, more money? Where are you going next on holiday, how much are you spending on clothes and grooming this week? It's all me, me, me. 

If people were to spend more of their money on helping others i.e. donating etc. and building up their communities we might get back to the way things were. Society has become incredibly selfish. How many times have you walked past that charity worker asking you to help his cause, or how many times have you ignored that Big Issue seller trying to make enough money to support his rehabilitation into society for the sake of holding on to your precious £2. How many times have you hardened up or switched channels when those animals or children appear pleading for help. We just ignore everything around up and wrap ourselves up in the comfortable warm bubble that is 'me'.

When I was young, my mother always made a point of giving me pennies or silver to put in the charity pots and buckets of the people who were raising awareness around town, she would let me give money to buskers and the homeless because we didn't need that money and it could help someone else. What people don't realise is that money regenerates all the time and to be honest, what is money? A few bits of metal and paper, how can it be so precious? Why do we spend our whole lives chasing money instead of trying to make every moment our happiest?

I don't understand this world anymore, I don't have any connection with most of the population, my heart is too big for this place. I have a few friends that share my views on this, they're close friends like my best friend Bob, who I've known since I was about ten or eleven and they understand the person that I am. I've only got a very small close circle of friends now, the posers and the wannabe's have disappeared over the years and for that I'm pretty glad as they never really wanted to know me, they just liked my ideas and me opening their minds for a little while but then they shrank back into conformity and joined the herd.

I hope one day that the world will learn the error of their ways and join my crusade of care and love but til then I will carry on trying to change things by one caring act at a time.

The Story of Us

The story of how Daniel and I got together is a strange one but I guess the best stories are never straightforward.

I'd been in a long unfruitful relationship for a few years, in fact its probably the worst relationship that I've ever experienced. Through one fault or another the whole thing hadn't been working since day one and I don't know why I stayed as long as I did. Maybe it was because I felt sorry for him, coming from not the best background and being a victim of circumstance to this fact. However it does not condone the fact that for the entirity of our relationship he didn't have and job and continued to squeeze every last bit of patience and care I had to give.

Towards the end of the relationship all I felt for X was repulsion, disgust and resentment, I feel bad now for letting myself continue in that relationship with those feelings as it was fair on neither one of us. I had pretty lost all feeling and become despondent to life, having struggled through each day on bare minimum of money, each evening I would come home and sit at my computer, letting myself become emerged in Anime fandoms and speaking with similar minded people.

It was October 2011 when I discovered my first Anime obsessions, Black Butler or Kuroshitsuji and became interested in the concept of Cosplay. I'd always been fond of making costumes and dressing up ever since I was small so this was second nature to me. One of my friends who I knew liked Anime started talking to me again over the internet and we became close again speaking about our very similar interests. This friend was Daniel.
Like me, Daniel had had some trouble with past relationships and had moved away to Stoke On Trent to work at a job with a former wrestler called Kendo Nagasaki. He was right out in the middle of nowhere and didn't really speak to anyone from his home town anymore apart from myself. In the past I had met Daniel when he'd come round for one of my birthdays, we'd got on instantly but he was a much different person back then. We'd been friends for four years on and off.

I'd told Daniel that there was a convention in Manchester called Doki Doki that I wanted to attend and he said that he'd love to come. The day before the convention Daniel headed down to Blackpool and stayed over at my house the night before, we had a good laugh and pretty much ignored X and his whinging and moaning about Daniel (who he'd never liked), he really didn't like me having fun it seemed.

The next day we were up early getting into our costumes, Daniel had decided against the first character of the series he'd chosen and decided to go for another, the counterpart and partner of the character I was playing. We still have the videos of the convention to this day and its really interesting to see just how different we were. We went to the evening do in the club Zoo and got quite drunk, we even got followed back to the hotel we were staying in by some martial arts guys that were looking for a good time but we just went into the hotel and forgot they even existed.

I don't remember fancying Daniel or him me at all whilst we were friends, when I think back there were a couple of times when I think the spark was there but nothing was done about it or we were still so confused and a mess we didn't see it until later; one time was when I was drawing his eyebrows on and we looked at each other for a moment, one of those moments where you pause just before a kiss, apart from there was no kiss.

After the convention the next time that I saw Daniel was over the Christmas period, I was having a few gender confusing issues, as a result of cosplaying one of my favourite characters I had started dressing like a boy and even thinking how much easier it would have been as a boy, I went out a few times in drag and didn't even think anything of it, something that Daniel had also done in the past. Daniel had struck women off after a particularly bad relationship and had done the same thing as me, he'd thought life would be easier as a woman, but it wasn't.

On Christmas eve, Daniel invited me and X round to his parents hotel and I met his brother, Liam, and his family for the first time very vaguely. The three of us went out of the town and me and Daniel had a lot of fun but X was miserable as usual, it was a good night. Daniel would regularly come into my shop and chat with me about how things were going, meaning with X and would regularly also tell me that I would be better getting shut, an idea shared by all of my family and friends. I wish I had listened but it would not be long until I was free.
New years eve 2011 came and X had decided to go to a party in Fleetwood while I stayed at home and had invited some of my best friends round for a Cosplay house party. It was the best idea ever! We had a brilliant night and got very drunk, the next day I ended up waking next to Daniel in my four poster bed, both of us still in cosplay and very hungover, nothing had happened but now thinking back, its funny and maybe even destiny that he was the first person I woke up next to on the start of that new year.

A few days later X wanted to speak to me and admitted sleeping with someone else on New Years eve...Its horrible to say but I was absolutely relieved, I now had a reason to break off the floundering and pathetic relationship and set us both free. I called Daniel and he was happy for me, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. X moved out shortly after than and I started my new life.

On January 21st 2012 I arrived in Chester ready for the Thorntons charity NSPCC ball, I spent a few hours wandering around the shops before I went to the station to wait for my partner I was going with, Daniel. As soon as I saw him I knew that I felt different, we'd shared so much and become so close over the past few months I was hoping that maybe he trusted me enough to give women another shot, after all I wasn't your typical girl anyway.

That evening, after an incredibly successful night, Daniel was such a big hit with everyone, we shared our first kiss under the moonlight in the garden out the back of the Queens Hotel, it was perfect and the first of many. It took us some time to actually admit that we had strong feelings for each other and were going to attempt to trust each other with our fragile hearts and minds, it was then, around the first week of February we made it official and Daniel started coming down every weekend.

Every weekend was wonderful and it hurt so much to say goodbye to each other as he got on the train and disappeared back miles away from me. We would Skype to each other and speak on the phone for endless hours, sometimes I would even fall asleep listening to him talking. We tried so hard to keep the long distance going but it was becoming more difficult and eventually, much to my reluctance as he had such a good job, he returned to Blackpool to be with me. On 21st July 2012, Daniel took me back to the Queen Hotel in Chester where we'd shared our first kiss, he proposed to me in that very same garden.

I will never forget the sacrifice he made to give it all up just to be with me and I must continue to remind myself every day of that sacrifice so that I can scare away the jealousy and keep back the horrible trust issues that have been ingrained into me from years of people going behind my back. I owe Daniel so much, I really like the person that I am today and I wouldn't change a thing about him, he's really helped me get out of a dark hole and god knows that I've helped pull him out of a cavernous one of his own.

We were both broken pieces of humans, not fully whole until we got together and then day by day we exchanged the pieces of our minds and souls to fill the gaps of the other and like some wonderful jigsaw puzzle we were mended. Our pieces are held together with love, respect, trust, adoration, patience and need. He will always be part of me and I of him. We are what I believed in but never found, soulmates.

Compromise

I'm not the most mentally stable of minds. I think it has something, in part, to do with my grandma's Bipolar, I suppose there's a possibility that I might have a very mild, watered down version of it but I'll never be sure as I certainly don't want to  be tested for it and even if it turns out that I am, I won't take medication. If the body can't deal with it on its own then I believe you should never take medication, unless in extreme circumstances, like life threatening illness such as Diabetes etc.

I'm quite an emotional person, it really doesn't take much to set me off in a bad mood or a crying fit, but that's rare these days. I tend to notice my flip in moods more than I used to, maybe its just hormones or maybe its more deep seated but it certainly causes problems for me, even though you would never tell unless you were extremely close to me.

Daniel gets the brunt of it the most, because we spend most if not all or our time together. If we get stressed or grumpy from work we tend to bring it home with us and fuel each others fire; whereas I like to come in and do some cleaning before I can relax, Dan likes to comes in and go straight on his DJ decks to let off some steam. We tend to lock heads when we meet in the middle; he wants me to chillout and sit down whereas I want him to help me then relax. Its catch 22 but we work around it because we love each other.

Daniel and I have different views also on what 'relaxation' means. To Daniel, relaxation is spending endless hours mixing and scratching on his 1210's, making quite a bit of noise as I like to put it. I do, however, admit that he is incredibly good at his hobby and he would have no problem getting a job in a top club, which I think would be his dream job; that or working in Ibiza.

To me, relaxation is different, I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum. Its chilling out in the bath with candles, incense and a good book, or its having a cuddle with my babies on the bed listening to some chilled out movie soundtracks or the sounds of nature. Relaxation is a nice massage, or a walk down the beach just as the sun it setting. Guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.

Despite Daniel and I being at complete opposite polar ends it really does seem to work. Daniel is the voice and actions of our relationship, the thought and logic, the protector and the doer. I am the thinker, the love and care, the order and routine, I'm also the organiser, cleaner and bill payer ;)

Every day I'm trying to be a better and more understanding partner for Daniel, I admit his music choice is not my favourite but I do love his skill and passion for what he does and I think he feels the same back about me. I can do things that Daniel can't and he can do things that I can't. I suppose were both as intrigued and proud as the other of our different skills.

I love Daniel more than anything, I've had a string of failed relationships in the past. Jumping from one relationship to the next was not the best thing I've ever done. I wish that I could go back and stop myself and say, 'wait, just wait, he'll be along and he'll be all you ever need.' but then I remind myself that if I hadn't had the past that I did I would never have met him. All those messy series of events were leading right to him and we were the right people for each other at the right time...right? :)

I can see a lovely future for us both and we really don't have to try hard at all, our relationship is as easy as breathing, its perfect and I could never have wished for anyone who loves and cares for me so much. He's my imperfect Mr. Perfect and I love every single flaw. He's my Daniel and I'm his Shelle, and that's the way it will always be <3

Mum

Sundays are a bit of an empty day for myself and Daniel, nothing much really happens apart from going shopping with my mum for an hour or two.

My mum and I rarely see each other apart from Sundays, we've both got pretty busy lives. Mum works two jobs and also runs sequence dancing evenings with her partner during the week, she doesn't ever stop and I'm quite worried about her health.

Before I was born, my mum and dad both worked at Lewis's department store in the town centre (which shut down and became various places over the years, like Woolworths and is now Poundland - says a lot for Blackpool). My dad worked on the audio and electrical department as a salesman with all the latest gadgets, my mum worked across the floor on the shoe department. They were friends before the got together, then eventually the married and had me.

Dad was never really healthy from birth, he'd been born double breach and always walked funny on his left leg. Over time my dad feel ill to Muscular Distrophy and it started to take its toll on his walking. At first he only needed to use a stick, which meant that he had to leave work and claim disability, my mum also left to become his carer. A few years later when I was still quite young, my dad got Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and had to go for treatment.

My mum's always been a very active person and she's had a lot on her plate in the past; even as a child she's had to look after things as my grandma suffered from Bipolar disorder as a child and it really took its toll on the whole family, mostly on my mum and her brother and sister. After she left home and married my dad, Alfred Anthony Williams or 'Tony' as he was better known to everyone, she'd then taken on looking after him during his illness whilst also trying to bring up me.

My mum, Lesley, was the DIYer in the house, the cook, the cleaner and between all this she had to find time to have fun with me. Things haven't really been much easier after my father passed away when I turned eighteen; after I went away to university mum had to swap her part time job for a full time one just so that she could afford to pay the bills. My grandma has only gotten worse over the years so between me (again!), the jobs and caring (yet again) she still had no time to herself.

Things did turn around for the better with her a couple of years after dad passed, she met Dave and he really does look after her the best he can. Dave is older than my mother and although I'm sure he would never let it happen, I'm always worried about her going back into caring yet again...

She lives in a beautiful little bungalow in St Annes, away from the 'horrors' of Blackpool and the shambles of what Keswick road has now become. I walk past my old house every now and then and I always feel so emotional about the whole thing, such a mix of happy and sad memories from that place, I always said if it was for sale again I might have bought it, but who knows.

Mum suffers from RSI in both her wrists and arms, she's had surgery but unfortunately the thing with RSI is that it will only get worse again with use and mum has NEVER been a lazy person, she's incredibly independent and always likes to be doing something. She's now into her fifties and still working just under sixty hours a week, she doesn't want to rely on Dave as it would kill her and really knock her pride but still, every time I see her she's tired and exhausted and I wish there were something more that I could do.

One day when mum has exhausted herself so much and she really can't do anymore, I will be there to offer the care, love and support that she has given so many of us over the years. She has touched so many lives with her beautiful and caring soul that I'm sure any of us would do everything we can for her.

I just want her to know that I love her more than anything and there is nothing that I would do for her.

Money

Money. Its not big, its not clever and its certainly not pretty to see people fighting over it.

Today I spent the good part of the morning and afternoon sat at home doing a bit of writing and pretty much just enjoying my home and the company of my two furbabies. I was pretty happy and content right here in my bubble, then I had to go into town, something I don't really like doing on my days off.

So I've come home more out of pocket than I intended to.

Me, Daniel (my fiancee) and two of my closest friends went to Pizza Hut as few days earlier they had come in offering everyone who worked in the town centre 25% off their meals so we thought this was a good idea. The food was alright as far as Pizza is concerned but the bill was quite a bit more than we intended so that wasn't good. We weren't going to argue the toss about it but I don't think we'll  be going back.

The taxi home was the shocker; we were originally going to get the bus but it meant a half an hour wait in the rain and cold so we decided on a C Cabs across the road. We don't live too far from the centre and thought he would be taking us down the promenade which gets us really close. Instead we got the scenic route ¬_______¬

He knew exactly what he was doing, it was a quiet night so he wanted a few extra bob...well, the who ordeal cost us triple what we normally pay.

The thing that bothered me was that neither myself or Daniel, who are both outspoken about things like that, didn't say a word to him, he took a wrong turn onto the wrong side of our street and said something then but we kept quiet about the rest. It annoyed us both immensely once inside but why didn't we say anything? Why were we happy to part with our hard earned cash to someone out for his own ends? Sure, he's probably got to make a living but now I've had enough of taxi companies. I'm buying myself a bus pass and that's one less regular customer to rely on.

Money, money, money, that's all people are interested in these days, it determines their whole life. How much have I got or not got compared to that person? Like its the whole essence of their being...

I hate money but unfortunately I'm stuck with it in the ratrace. I've been at both ends of the scale, I've been in debt without two pennies to rub together, borrowing it here there and everywhere just to get by and now I'm better off and I save because I don't ever want to end up like that again. I'm not tight with my money, I rarely buy anything for myself, I buy quite a bit for Daniel and treat my friends...I don't really need anything. I donate to charity too as I'd rather make someone else's life that much easier.

In the future I'm going to stay away from spending if I have to, its a route, I think, to unhappiness. All I need is a warm place to sleep at night, decent food in my stomach and cuddles from the people I love, which incidentally, are free! Well, just as long as I feed Daniel some cans of Monster and play fetch with my furbabies.

Ugly Souls

Excerpt from 'The Twits' by Roald Dahl.


I have been reminded that people do not change, their souls no matter how well hidden or masked will always remain ugly.

Happiness

I realised last night that I'm a very bad mummy.

I was looking back over my facebook profile trying to trace back the birthdays (well the rough time around when they were born) only to find out that we'd been together longer than I expected. Ville will be six years old in June and Willow will follow him to that aged in December.

I will admit that I was more than a little bit upset. Time really does fly when you're having fun and me, Ville and Willow have had plenty of that! They're still my little babies and it seems to me like they're exactly the same age as they were when they were small. Nothing changes in out hearts. I'm sure we'll still have many many more years together but its just made me realise just how fleeting life really is.

This last year has gone incredibly quickly and it only seems like two minutes ago from the time I was in college. Everything from 2002 right up until now has gone through like a whirlwind and one I don't really remember much of.

When I think back of that time in between, it wasn't really filled with much at all but at the time it seemed like it had everything. Even though it has taught me a lot of lessons and made me a stronger, wiser person I would trade in all those parties and empty days of gaming and nothingness for my fiancee Daniel and my two babies.

I've never been happier than I am now. We make our own destinies and you must push yourself not to get stuck in the mundanity of life, there's a whole world out there with happiness and love that you could be missing out on because you're either to stubborn or too afraid to move from wherever you are.

Change something today, do something different. Call that family member you've fallen out with, apply for that dream job you wanted, move to a different place and escape the ratrace. Just do whatever you can to make yourself happy, because you might not have long left...

Support Disabled Animals

Help support disabled animals with a wristband! Only £4.20 with postage and packing to the UK. Very good cause, I will be posting a picture of me wearing mine when it arrives!
Also check out Blacky The Wheelchair Cat on facebook Blacky The Cat he's an inspiration and a little beauty xx

Cats

I've always had a larger connection with animals than humans. To this day I will still swear by the fact that in one of my past lives I must have definitely a cat.

Cats are my favourite animals, thought really I'd prefer to refer to the as equals than animals, as nutty as that sounds - I didn't get the crazy cat lady title for nothing. I've always had an affinity for the them and they seem to respond back when they see me, rarely a cat will dart away when I say 'hello', but when they do I don't take it too personally because there is a lot to be wary of in this world, especially humans.

My love of cats is pretty boundless and I would go as far as saying I much prefer the company of these wonderful creatures to some of the low life unintelligent scum that are clogging up this world. I'm not mad, I do enjoy the company of my friends but whereas before I used to have a huge circle of people I would hang out with, now I have whittled the group down to a mere ten or so of those that really mean something to me, that have stuck by me through thick and thin. Much like a cat, I base my friendships on trust and I've been taken for granted in the past so now I'm more cautious.

So what do I like about cats most? Well I would have to say their unconditional love and intelligence. Despite popular opinion, cats are very loving individuals and capable of incredibly amount of affection and loyalty.

Ville, for instance, my three and a half year old tabby is my absolute baby, my little boy; I found him abandoned by his mother in a garden up in Fleetwood, no one could catch him and the people who owned his mother back then said that if I could catch him I could have him, so I did. Ville would have died otherwise and I really couldn't let that happen. I get an awful terrible aching pain, like my heart is literally shattering and crushing whenever I hear of a cat or kitten being abandoned, not having a home or being ill or mistreated; I'm sure someone once said that I was empathetic.

So anyway, Ville came home with me, for the first two days he hid in the corner behind my computer having only known living in a garden for the first few weeks of his life. I tried to beckon him out with some food and water but he wasn't having any of it, in the end I just left him to make his own way to me. Sure enough the next day I was sat playing Final Fantasy and out of the corner of my eye I saw this tiny little grey bundle of fluff stood there looking up at me, he was just wobbling on the spot with his big eyes wondering where he was and needing reassurance, so I picked him up and gave him a stroke and a kiss and since that day he's never left my side. He drools a lot and his breathing is quite ragged from the time he spent living outside, he also likes to sit down like a human in our arm chairs; Ville might be getting older now but he really is such a big kid at heart, he loves to give me cuddles and play fetch with his squidgy bouncy balls, he really is my special boy.

About half a year or so later, my ex boyfriends mum had gotten a little black kitten to keep her older black cat company, it turned out that she was allergic to the little female kitten and so I decided to take on another bundle of fluff. Willow.

Willow is a completely different story, she's definitely her own cat, unlike Ville who needs to pampered and paid attention to all the time - much like my fiancee Daniel actually. Willow is a very quiet and reserved. When she spent her time at my exes family house, it seems like she spent most of her time trying to get out the way...I didn't really see her much before I took her on but when I did bring her back to the house she was terrified of everything, she wouldn't let anyone touch her and ran away when I so much as moved. I know now having split from my ex the his brothers and sister had not been the quietest and most conscientious of families, the children had had a tendency to be a little destructive and mean at times - as all children can be...I suppose. In short, Willow hadn't been loved correctly since birth.

It has taken me a few years to get Willow to settle, its been much like rehabilitating an adopted child, I had to spend a lot of time helping her be able to trust me. The biggest step was made when me ex and I split up, the house was a lot quieter and I had a lot more time for my babies. Willow had started to come out of her scatty nature, she would approach me and purr in a very adorable squeaky way; I always made a point of talking to her and I found it adorable when she started replying to my 'hello's' with 'eeeyoww' copy.

Nowadays Willow has a basket on the radiator, she absolutely loves the warmth and at night she will jump on the bed and squeak at me until I lift the duvet up and she can get in with me. I usually find myself waking up in the morning with both Ville and Willow cuddled up by my feet or spooning each other.

Ville and Willow weren't always friends, at the beginning when I first brought her home Ville really didn't like her and to this day he still gets very jealous when I give her a kiss and cuddle but now I regularly find them settled together for warmth or running round the house chasing each other. Getting a second cat was such a good idea - much to the dismay of my mother - they are incredibly good company for each other and I do feel that Ville, even though he loves his mummy, needed to have a fellow feline about plus I did Willow a huge favour and I know she's grateful everyday when she climbs on my chest in the evening and curls into the tiniest ball of fluff in the crook of my arm.

Yep, cats are absolutely fantastic in my eyes, I would have a hundred or more if I could! One day when I'm writing, I'll have a big cat sanctuary and I will take in and look after any cat that needs a loving home. I will, like I do now, continue to donate money to charities and make sure I offer as much help as possible. Please check out the Mann Cat Sanctuary in the Isle of Man if you get a chance, I donate monthly with as much as I can (they have a website with live webcams which is something amazing to watch - that's a hell of a lot of cats!).
Ville and Willow have been such a godsend to me, I cannot imagine a day without them. Recently I started writing a series of books based on them; I'm hoping to get these published at some point or another, so if you love cats, animals of every kind, mystery, fantasy and adventure then you will love these. One day when Willow and Ville are gone these books will still be here to immortalise them and let everyone know not only how much I mean to them but how much they mean to me, my little furbabies.

My family.

Looking Back

I really should be doing some work but I'm a born procrastinator so its always a case of do it later - unless something needs cleaning at home, then I have to do that before I can relax; no one wants to relax in s**t tip of a house do they? So here I am tapping away waiting for my first customer of the day.

I've been doing retail since I was about sixteen. I had my first job in Poundstretcher on the edge of town and which, despite being renames several times, is still there and is now back to the same old name - incidentally the same people there and also the same stock - time warp or what? I didn't get paid much for it but I still remember getting my first pay day and nearly exploding with joy at how much was in there.

Between college, university and my crazy life I've had a string of retail jobs, my favourites having been the music stores such as Musiczone, Fopp and Zavvi. Musiczone was my longest job, four years and it certainly taught me a thing or two - well, Charlie and Emma did. They taught me to grow up and pull myself out of a dark hole I'd started to fall down a few years previous...

A week after my eighteenth birthday, my father died very suddenly without much warning at all, its a very hazy time now but I'd rather not go in to detail about it right now. After this happened I pretty much shut myself down, I ended up going away to university in Chester but things didn't work out like I wanted them to (another story for another time) and I ended up coming home to Blackpool.

Back in Blackpool things hadn't changed, I got myself into the same hole of drinking and smoking pot - which I'm not proud of at all, I had a job at the Grand Theatre over the Christmas period but after that mum was pestering me to get another job, so I applied to Musiczone where I didn't think much of it.

Not long after, I was called in for an interview and met Charlie who quizzed me and seemed a really happy and laid back guy - which I found out later was a brilliant way of managing his staff. I started not long after on part time hours and began my first job which would later move to full time hours.

Looking back on the sort of person I was back then I remember - and Charlie and Emma will certainly vouch for this - that I was grumpy, usually late, always tired and usually hung over. I didn't quite see it then but I definitely had a problem, not only with the copious drinking but also the pot.

Charlie and the gang would regularly tell me off, scold me and really try and pull me back down to earth; I was always sitting on the counter reading or procrastinating, I would wander around without my shoes on and line chairs up in the staff room so that I could go to sleep. I'm not blaming this all on my fathers passing at all, its all my own fault and making for letting myself sink further into myself, its very easy to do. I thanks Charlie, Emma and my old work colleagues for the support they gave me over the years and it was truly one of the best times of my life, I will never forget that.

These days, as fate would have it, I'm a Manager in my own store, adopting the same skills that Charlie used to motivate his staff, a couple of doors down from the old Musiczone which has now turned in to an American Candy store (not doing very well might I add). The whole of Blackpool is a ghost of its former self.

The streets are lined with empty shops or ones that are either closing down and turning into thrift or pound stores to accommodate with the needs of the society we've built up or just remaining empty altogether, its a shame, I remember Blackpool when it was still golden, now it seems sad and down-and-out. Blackpool is on its arse basically. The whole place has turned from a thriving family resort into a drinking and drugs dumping ground. Lovely.

I don't usually  stick around in jobs long but this time I seem to have landed on my feet, as I said I'm a Manager and I seem to be managing quite well (nice pun), I earn enough money to pay my mortgage and still treat my fiancee and two babies, oh yes and my myself, whenever I can but I would like to think that working in retail is just a temporary measure.

I'd really like to write, as I've said before. I find nothing more pleasurable than tapping away on this keyboard all day. My mind is actually quite a busy place and I need an outlet to let all these thought tumble out before they clog me up. I used to write a personal diary, I have about ten filled ones dating back all the way to 2000, but recently I've misplaced my recent one and I can't find it. I don't think I've written anything since after Majorca in May 2013. So, if I start going into the realms of my personal thoughts and feeling I do apologise if I offend anyone but isn't that why you're reading this? To get some 'dirt'? :)

It would be interesting to know, dear reader, if there's anything you would like to know about me or a subject on which for me to talk and discuss. I'd like to think I'm well read and worldly enough to have an opinion on most things. Plus I get in incredibly bored most of the time and anything is a welcome distraction these days.

Waffled on long enough, time to go procrastinate some more.